AAAGGGHHHH!!!! Fucking family!
Radical acceptance can be freeing if you manage to conquer it.
Picture credit: The Therapy Group, from Pinterest
Today started really well, and I’m going to ensure that it continues to go well, but FIRST, I need to vent. In at least one prior post, I mentioned my mind-fucking sister. Well, here we go again. I’m traveling to the area where my mom and sister live this week for business. I’ll be in another city but will be driving through their city on the way home. Originally I planned to stop and have lunch with both of them, but I’ve since changed my mind because I just don’t have it in me to fake an hour of cordialness in being around my sister, I’m just fucking exhausted by keeping the peace.
First, let me take a step back to give you some more context about why my sister neverendingly pisses me off. Originally my trip was going to align with Valentine’s day. My mom and I are both single, while my sister is married. I’m pretty certain my brother in law is staying w/ my sister [versus divorcing her] so he can avoid paying her alimony or splitting assets, which is fair because my sister brought very little besides herself to the marriage. In short, signs tell me their marriage is dead, which is sad, but not my problem.
So I was going to stay w/ my sister over valentines, she assured me I wouldn’t be intruding on her plans (since she’s married). I texted my mom and said, ‘let’s go to dinner for valentines, just us two single ladies’. She was in and that was good and I was excited. Minutes later (I’m pretty sure my sister was at my mom’s when I told her of my plans), I informed my sister of my plans. She said, oh, just come over to our house instead. I’m like WTFFFFF, spend valentines day with you and your fucking husband on valentines day, WTFFFF! I don’t fucking think so. A week or so later, my business trip was rescheduled to this week so that was now a non-issue.
Fast forward to today, I text my mom and let her know I’d be passing through town on Friday, I didn’t want to eat, I’d just be stopping by to say hi on my way home. My sister texted me for updates, I informed her of my plans. OF FUCKING GOD DAMNED COURSE she says oh ok, I’ll swing by too. God damn mother fucking issues bitch!!!! Jesus fucking christ the god damned world would end if she let me have 5 minutes alone with my mother.
My sister sees my mom almost every day, if she doesn’t see her, they talk daily. My sister was raised by my mom, I was not. But her fucking dysfunction within her head, does not allow her to let me have time alone with my mom. And here’s the fucking kicker, if I brought it up, she’d spin it into us excluding her, when in fact, it’d be nice to have some alone time with my mom—not even to discuss anything significant, just enjoying each other’s company. And what angers me so much about this is myself. I keep my mouth shut and keep the peace for my mom’s sake. I called my sister out on her bullshit once, she’s such a master manipulator and gaslighter, she spun that shit so it was my fault, I was cruel and mean by telling her those things. And my mom won’t stand up to her for the same reason, there’s no way in fucking hell that my mom would say, well me and Lola are going for lunch. My sister would take it as her being excluded. FUUUUUUCCCKKK! I don’t use the word ‘hate’ very often, and it’s usually saved for exes, but fuck, I’m as close as I can be to hating my sister. I barely have energy anymore to deal with her shit. And I swear my head is going to explode from having to swallow this bullshit.
My good friend who also has dysfunctional sisters understands what I’m faced with and said, well just text them at the last minute and say you won’t be stopping by—while that would be ideal and I have considered it, my mom is older and I like to see her when I can, even if it’s a short visit, and she always likes to see me, so I deal with it. But omg, it fucking kills me to deal with my sister. And again, there’s no calling her on it, she’s so good at her manipulation skills, she’s quick to respond and spin shit so you’re in the wrong. It’s so maddening to deal with a person who mind fucks you, and the fact that she’s essentially my mom’s gatekeeper is beyond frustrating.
A little more history for context: I lived with my mom until I was 5, after that my dad bullied her into full custody. I was able to spend 6th grade with her, but outside of that, we were always hundreds of miles apart, if not multiple states apart. I’d see my mom in the summers and every other Christmas. A few years ago, my mom was living w/ my sister, I moved out there and my mom and I lived together. That was nice to have that time, but now, it’s back to ‘normal’, no more time alone with my mom. I’m out of bad words to express my anger and frustration at my sister and equally about my unwillingness to call her on it because the fallout would make my mom sad and I don’t want that.
Once my mom passes, she’s mostly healthy but getting older, I will NEVER fucking see my sister again. Not sure if I’ll go no contact, but there will be no more anything. Her actions have spoken volumes over the years and I can’t take it anymore. She has proven over and over again she cannot be trusted. She hurts me so much because I feel that the mind-fuckery she does with me is shit you should expect from strangers, in dating, etc. NOT from your family, but no, this is the reality and I hate it. I’ve spent a lot of energy on trying to accept this, but fuck it’s hard and it really hurts and makes me sad. I’m so fucking tired of keeping the peace at the expense of my mental health, but I love my mom and that’s why I do it. Fuck! Like it’s not hard enough to just fucking survive my own head every day and then I have this bitch with her bullshit I have to navigate and wonder what story she’s spinning in the background. And remember, this is the bitch who BRAGGED that she knows how to make my mom feel guilty. jesus fucking christ, who brags about that!?!?!?! She is such a goddamned twisted and hateful bitch.
I close this out as I’m crying out of frustration, and I will work on accepting this shit, shit I can’t change.
Be well my fellow battle buddies ❤️
