Groovin’ today
Picture source Webb, 2015 ; something else I try to stay focused on is a growth mindset. There is so much within our control despite our malfunctioning brains. It’s not easy, but it is doable—I try to remember this ❤️
Good morning! Today is a much better day, which means I’m UP, as in mostly hypomanic. Which also means I’m easily distracted and full of energy, to say the least. These are the days I hold on for, where the things I’ve wrote about in the last few days [when I was in a down swing] have zero impact on me today. I can think about my sister and just be like, fuck her, she’s got her own issues, she’s got to live in her head, I will not let her have an affect on me, and that’s that. Up until around 2019, my typical mood cycles wouldn’t change as often. I would go for a few weeks either in hypomania or kind of a mid-range mood, not great, not bad, but tolerable and productive. Granted my mood swings changed significantly around the covid, but it had zero to do with that—COVID was a breeze for me, but during that time I made some poor choices in men that really fucked me up…financially, mentally, emotionally, perhaps I’ll share about that one day but not today.
Fast forward to today, and my moods cycle every 1-3 days (as you can see from my posts). I recently found out about bipolar podcasts, so I listened to an episode from one of them. They were dicussing rapid cycling and the doctor was saying that if my patient was cycling really often, she may look at other diagnosis that could be contributing to this. Now when I was diagnosed with bipolar, it was a relief, because it finally gave me a name to the group of symptoms I deal with, it helped me understand why my brain worked how it does. So last year sometime, I really started to wonder if there’s more to my head, is there another diagnosis on top of the bipolar? And it’s not that I want another diagnosis, but I’m pretty convinced that there is more to me than just bipolar. I explored this and posed it to my providers. The one who has no real diagnosis power listened and somewhat validated what I shared. The other one laughed at me, the psychologist, the one with prescribing and diagnosing power. And again, this is another reason why I’m making an active effort to find my own therapeutic coping skills. The reason I brought that idea up with my provider is because I want to be sure I’m taking the right approach to my treatment, what is most beneficial based on the symptoms I’m dealing with, but I guess it was not seen that way. OR my thought is that they are too overwhelmed with patients, they don’t have the time to dig further into me since on the surface I’m stable. Whatever though.
Anyways, I had intended to post a good positive post today, but that was just more blah blah about my usual. Many times when I think about my symptoms, they are very similar to the weather for me. For instance, the last two days would have equated to long rainy, gloomy days, where you live to be outdoors but are stuck inside. And then today comes and I’m feeling groovy, it’s like the sun has come out after a month of rainy days and I just want to use up every minute of the day and make the most of it, because I know my good, up vibes won’t last long. Back when my moods didn’t swing so often, it was easier to deal, because I knew my up period would last for a few weeks. Now, I just rejoice in any decent day I get where my past and thoughts aren’t heavy. This is me, but I feel it’s slowly disappearing. Despite that, I move forward. This morning I’m going to take the dogs out, I want to work on an online AI course I’ve been working on, I’d like to vacuum…and that’s all I can think of right now, and that’s good with me. Days like this I just ride the energy wave and see where it takes me. :)
Off I go until next time battle buddies 😎👊🪖💯
