Another day
Today is better than yesterday—what this looks like for me is I’m being productive and started my day (working) at 730am. Yesterday was tough, I was feeling deflated and like I was just sludging along, but I was able to get some things done that I had to get done, which helps my anxiety. Today, I’m caught up on work work, but I have personal work I need to do. I’m working on taking some AI courses, which is cool, but it’s challenging to stay focused in the short-term, long term it’s difficult to stay engaged.
Something I’ve been thinking about lately, and if I’m being totally honest, ruminating on, is betrayal by family. Eventually I want to write letters to a couple people that I will post on here and will not send to the recipients, these can sometimes be called no-send letters. This website describes this practice, but here’s a short excerpt: “Writing a letter that is never intended to be sent can be a powerful tool for healing. It offers a safe space for expression, helps in processing emotions, provides a sense of closure, and empowers you to reclaim your narrative. Whether you are dealing with bullying, abuse, abandonment, or unresolved grief, the act of writing can serve as a therapeutic outlet, helping you to release the weight of the past and move towards a brighter future. Even if the letter is never read by anyone else, its impact on your emotional well-being can be profound.”
Another reason I’ve decided to start this blog is because the mental health care I receive from the VA (Veteran’s Affairs) is not the best. It’s not like on TV where my providers are helping me to explore the roots of some of my issues. Yes I have bipolar but I’ve got other shit in my past that exacerbates my mental health, but my providers are focused on the here and now. That’s fine, but if you’ve got shit to unpack and don’t have the right clinicians to help you work through it, well you’re on your own, and that’s how I feel. I know I’d benefit from DBT, but I’m fairly certain most clinicians certified in this work in private practice. So I’ve taken my care into my own hands, which is how I stumbled across this letter writing option.
One of these letters I write is going to my sister. My sister is a master manipulator. My mom’s side of the family has generational trauma that was never resolved. One ‘skill’ the women of the family have learned in order to get what they want, to fulfill either emotional or material needs is manipulation; in this article, #1 and #2 are SPOT ON for the women on my mom’s side of the family . Long story short, my sister has emotionally betrayed me many times, but recently I realized she has shared my mental health diagnosis with my nephew and niece in an effort to distance them from me. I knew in every fiber of my being that I would regret sharing my diagnosis with my sister, I wasn’t sure how it’d come back to bite me, but now I see and I’m hurt and I’m angry. But it’s nothing I can actually confront her on because she’s also a gaslighter. I have confronted her before and I ended up getting the silent treatment and had to apologize to get peace back (for my mom’s sake). So for now, I’m going to write my letter, not send it, and try to regain some of my mental peace from this situation. I’ve already decided, once my mom passes, I will not see my sister again. I know there is a part of her that loves me, but I know there is more of her that resents my existence.
I hope you understand, anything I share in this blog is not be construed as ‘woe is me’ or anything like that. I’m a sensitive person, I have a mental illness, I’m thoughtful, considerate and caring for most people, I don’t have outbursts, I implode not explode, so when someone intentionally hurts me, especially family, it really hits me hard and creates a deep wound. I grew up with the notion that family and love from family was unconditional, they have your back no matter what. But once I started to realize I was being mind-fucked by my sister, I was just over it, and it hurts, because truly, I’ve never done anything nasty or dirty to her to deserve the treatment I get from her—I truly believe she wishes I didn’t exist.
So that’s what’s been weighing heavy on my mind and is something I really need to dump. On days where the depression isn’t heavy, I can squish things like this down and move on with my day. But when these thoughts hit on my low days, damn they just sit in the forefront of my mind and burn a hole, no matter what I do, it takes literal active effort to move forward from these thoughts.
I guess that’s all I have to say about that for now. I’m going to keep moving forward with my day, one moment at a time, and see where the day takes me. I will continue to make an active effort in doing things that move me forward in a positive and productive way. I’ve got a neighbor who struggles with depression and his go-to saying is, I’ve got this! and so that’s what I’ll end on today. We got this! 😎👊🪖❤️
