One moment at a time
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*TRIGGER WARNING - MENTION OF SUICIDE* This morning is one of those times where I have so much on my mind that I don’t even know where to start and what to vent about. I think one of the challenges I have about journaling is because I’ve always done my best to look at the bright side of things. Even when things are bad or not going my way, in the past I’ve always been able to ride the wave. But ever since I broke myself, I just have this underlying depression hanging on. It’s like my shadow, it’s always there. I feel this heaviness, this suffocating heaviness and darkness that’s right behind me, every fucking day. This dark heaviness that has continued to hang on has caused me to change, I’ve had to harden myself in order to survive. However, in my attempt to keep moving forward, I’m going through these motions, journaling, to try to ride this big wave out. But I have such little hope anymore, it’s exhausting to have hope. But it makes me sad to stop hoping. I’ve never seen myself as one to quit, to give up. I’ve been determined and resilient, I’ve persevered through so much, but I’m exhausted, I’m so mentally tired from fighting.
I recently watched a documentary about Avicii, I really didn’t know much about him, but the description said it was about an EDM artist, so I watched it because I dig that kind of music. Wow, I was blown away by his story. I could relate to so much of what he shared about his mental health struggles. There was one part where he’s riding in a car, enjoying his life, and his narration was something like this (not verbatim), “I was never out to be rich, I just wanted enough money to pay my bills; I’m living my dream, but something is still missing. Will I ever be content?”. That last statement hit home to me, I’ve felt that before. I’ve had very few happy times in my life, but even in those times where I had a decent job, I had money to put towards my debt and still live a life, but I never felt content. There was always something deep inside, it’s hard to explain, something in me wanting more. Not in the sense like I’m rich and I want more more, but I just wasn’t content, and in my own reflection, I’d be like, wtf, everything is great right now, why are you not happy, satisfied, content? And there was no answer.
In the end, Avicii lost his battle and he took his own life. That was so sad, I hadn’t realized initially that was the kind of documentary it was, but I was grateful to have seen it. I felt his pain. Whenever I hear of someone taking their own life, I feel empathy and sadness that they had succumbed to their illness. No, I don’t speak for all people struggling with feelings of hopelessness, but I get it when someone finally gives up. Like I said earlier, I’m tired of fighting. It’s fucking exhausting to get the energy up to face every day. At this point, the main thing keeping me going is that I’m obligated to my pets, I have to stick around for them. Sure, if I took my life, my mom and dad would be sad, but in the darkness, that’s not always enough to keep you going. But at this point, I’m fairly certain my pets will outlive my parents, so I figure sticking around for my pets is a good goal.
I don’t have dreams of retirement, I’ve determined, more likely than not, I will not die of old age. I’ve thought of my death and how I’d do it, I have lots of good traditional ideas, but I don’t want emergency workers to have to clean up a mess, so I’ve mostly decided I’d like to buy some drugs I could OD on, and go up to the mountains in a secluded area off the beaten path, and just pass away in a tent. The mountains have always brought me peace, and I think it would be a nice place to depart from. But despite sharing that well thought out plan, I don’t want to die, I don’t want that to be my end, but fuck, at the rate I’m going, I have very little hope things will be different. However, since I’m committed to the right-now, I will keep moving forward, reluctantly. And try to keep giving myself permission to have slow, unproductive days, but I hate that. Since I broke myself this is my new normal, and I’m suffocating in it. Death is the ultimate relief, but I don’t want ultimate relief, there’s a lot about life that I do enjoy, but it’s just so hard and draining to keep going. The days where the clouds part and the sun comes out are fewer and farther between.
I guess that’s enough for now. I have more to vent, maybe later this afternoon, I don’t know. It’s exhausting to tune in to your emotions and vent and cry. I’ve trained myself really well to smoosh feelings down, but yesterday morning and this morning, the depression has bubbled up and I can’t stop the morning tears. I don’t have a lot of wants, just to be debt free, earn enough for occasional travels, and to spoil my animals. I’m not after riches or big houses—I hope my mind lets me achieve this someday, but I’m prepared to simply survive the rest of my time on earth.
I’m sorry I don’t have messages of hope today—if someone happens to read this and can relate, I feel you, and I hope that you feel less alone in your battle. Remember, if you are needing support, please visit our resource page.
Love and hugs to you friends until next time. ❤️
