Pushing forward
This is easier to accept when you’re telling it to someone else versus trying to believe it yourself.
Today is ok so far, it’s almost 7am where I’m at and I’m on track to start working here shortly. The last couple days have been rough, I woke up two nights ago with a stomach bug, which I think was actually salmonella poisoning. I believe I undercooked a pork chop the other night, who knows, but regardless, stomach issues suck.
Yesterday I was improved but since I lost my weekend to that, I took yesterday off. I work for myself, but don’t be impressed. A few years back I was working for an agency and started to look for a new job due to the high cost of living of where I was at. They didn’t want to lose me and offered me a contracting job—so I started an LLC and now work from home. However, after that contract ended in June of 2023, I was significantly burnt out. I took a few months off but was in a bad depression and since that time I haven’t worked full time.
It’s been extremely challenging to keep my business going, mainly due to my mental health. I made so little money last year I now qualify for a 50% discount at my local community health dental clinic. That’s nice, but I’d rather not be so poor I qualify for something like that. I’m not all about the money, all I want is to pay off my debt, which is a long ways off. Due to the slowdown in my work, I’ve had to supplement my life with credit cards, which has further increased my debt. As anyone knows, debt is suffocating and depressing.
Things are improving with work, but it’s still not 100% stable. I currently only hold one contract and that’s working with a federally funded program helping minorities. Given all the anti-DEI nonsense going on, I don’t feel secure with that job. But with my mental state, I just don’t have it in me to pursue other work. I know I cannot work full time anymore, I just don’t have the mental energy to do so. So I put my energy into my one job and keep networking to hopefully open up other opportunities. I’m prepared to close my business if it comes to it, but I’d rather not, mainly because I like working from home, I can be around my pets and away from people.
I don’t feel as much hope as I used to about life. I used to be so driven, motivated to overcome any adversity that came my way, optimistic that with perseverance any issue can be overcome or a new solution can be thought of. But I’ve lost that in the last 18 months, which makes me sad, so I try not to dwell on it. Given my lack of hope, I take one day at a time, sometimes 1 hour at a time. It’s easy to get overwhelmed thinking of the future and what I want to achieve, so I scale it back and focus on what can I accomplish today. Before my burn out, I never felt like a mental patient, I took meds and rolled with the symptoms. But I broke myself and now I’ve had to accept, yes I am a mental patient. I have coping skills taped to a board, visual reminders of positive ways to cope.
There’s that saying, challenges build strength, character, etc. But you know what, sometimes you’re already strong, and it’s like, I don’t need to be tested, I don’t need to build more strength, can life (or my brain) just take a breather and leave me alone.
Regardless of what comes up, I push forward. Today I feel like I can be productive, and that’s what I’m going to aim for. But if my mood shifts and I deflate, I will give myself the grace and permission to say, that’s ok, effort was made, be proud of what you have done today. :)
Take care friends, you are not alone in this battle ❤️😎👊🪖
