Calgon take me away
Story for another time, I tattooed this on my ankle, but when I found the picture it didn’t have the caption—now I must add the caption. Ha!
Oh my goodness, some days, I am just so overwhelmed. One thing about this blog, the postings are going to be at random, because again, I’m trying to develop healthy coping skills, so instead of keeping things (feelings) bottled up, I’m using this as a means to mind-dump at any time of the day if I need to vent and have the time to do so. Although there will be other more thought-out posts as well.
For now, this morning, I woke up and usually after my shower is when I can get an idea of the vibe for that day. Well, at first I was feeling groovy. (I always turn upbeat music on before I start getting ready to try to infuse and positively influence my mood). I’m making breakfast and I start to feel the irritable, overwhelmed feelings, meaning those are my heavy, in the front of my mind feelings right now, and probably for most of the day. So I’m like, here we fucking go. I have meetings today so I can’t just fuck off, or take me-time to ride this wave out.
If I’m able to on days like this, I’ll minimize the tasks I do and keep the day low in activities that require mental energy. Today I can’t do that, so I’m pushing forward.
I’m at the frustrated point where I could cry, but again, I have meetings and errands to run and can’t afford to ugly-cry right now. For what it’s worth, I despise crying—despite it being a release, it takes energy and time to work through a crying spell. In lieu of a big cry, I’m writing this out.
The frustration I feel on heavy days like this is suffocating. It literally takes my breath away at times, not in a panic attack kind of way, there’s just tightness in my chest, it’s physical but I know it’s related to my mental state. These are the days I liken to an image of someone walking in knee-deep snow, in a blizzard, and having no other choice but to push forward—because that’s what I’m doing. It’d be so easy and it’s so tempting to curl up and just tune out, but I literally cannot afford to do that, so here I am.
I think I’ll stop here, if I go too deep into my feelings I’ll start crying and I can’t have that right now.
Final thought: if you didn’t know already, bipolar II, one of the more noticeable symptoms is racing thoughts, so if you ever notice my posts jump around, it might be that.
Take care until next time friends ❤️
Your battle buddy, Lola 😎👊🪖
