What I wouldn’t give
Image credit: Design by @thehhcreativeon Threadless. ; found on Pinterest
What I wouldn’t give to have just one month, or two weeks of a steady, productive mood. No, we shouldn’t measure our worth by our productivity, but when you have to work to make money, fuck, it’s like slogging through knee-deep mud to make any progress.
Yesterday was great, I was energized, focused and on it. Today, the downswing came back. I think some of it has to do with my hormones fluctuating but also just life. I’ve reached out to a non-profit debt counseling service. In doing the intake for that and preparing for my appointment, I had to list out my monthly bills, income and debt. Fuck. How fucking hopeless I feel from finances alone, but the mental health on top of that is just so depressing. I haven’t worked full time since July 2023; in that time I’ve put on 30k in additional debt to cover my expenses. I went from making 65k down to 25k the last 2 years. I keep pushing forward in my own business, and I feel like things will improve in the near future, but fucking surviving through this time, is terrible, it’s suffocating to deal with so much debt. I reached out to the counseling agency because apparently they can help to decrease APR’s on credit cards—credit cards are how I’ve survived all this time. I considered bankruptcy but I need to keep credit cards open as my backup for emergencies.
There’s no way to save at this rate, I’ve started cutting back on groceries to save money since that’s an easy way to cut costs.
I’m not against side hustles, but shit, it takes most of what I have on days like this to do the bare minimum of the work I’m already contracted to do. Yesterday I was sailing through tasks, I was organized, I was sharp, ready to conquer the world. I even had the idea that once I was caught up on my work I could put together a free training for people who are being laid off and offer resume tips/tricks—but now, today, with my downswing, I’ve decided what I can manage to do today is to get my time sensitive items done, then push the rest to tomorrow. I don’t have any pressing deadlines at the moment, but I don’t like procrastinating. I’ve got shit I want to accomplish, I’m good at what I do and am capable of so much, if only my mind wasn’t fucking me over.
One thing I’ve realized in my self-reflection in the last couple years is how much my hormones are negatively affecting my mental illness. I’m early 40s, and my doctor confirmed in November that I am indeed perimenopausal. Women tend to experience depression, among a host of other symptoms during this transition; here’s an interesting article about it. Quick note: menopause is when you periods have stopped and the ‘change’ is complete—perimenopause is when all the shit symptoms happen like hot flashes, mental health shit, physical changes, etc.—the link above will tell you more. I’ve researched perimenopause and bipolar; 1, there’s little research on it, 2, there’s not a lot that can me done. The best research I’ve found so far is linked above. My primary care doctor prescribed birth control for the hormones, I was on board despite the risks, but then the pharmacy noted that taking those pills would cut the effectiveness of my psych meds in half. That was an automatic no to the hormone pills, so now I’m stuck riding the wave. And I’m fairly certain this is why I have that constant underlying feeling of dread and depression, even on my upswing days.
I used to have longer times between my downswings, but they happen so frequently now, it’s just so frustrating and disheartening. I feel like only a fraction of who I used to be, my sparkle and zest for life is gone.
I’m not depressed crying today, just down, deflated, heavy and burdened. I guess I’m going to do some necessary work and then veg out to 3rd rock from the sun. Despite being in so much debt, I still have moments of impulse purchases—I recently bought 5 seasons of 3rd rock on ebay. No I did not need these, no I didn’t need to spend the money, but I just said fuck it. And that’s what I say to today as well.
Take care battle buddies, until next time, be kind to yourself ❤️🙃
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