It’s heavy today
no worries :)
I’m forcing myself to write today…It’s Sunday, woke up, had my coffee and watched a movie. I like to intentionally make weekend mornings chill. I’m not always good at picking out movies, actually I suck at it, my odds are probably 1 out of 10. I’m not a movie snob, and I can’t even really say what makes or doesn’t make a good movie, but regardless, this morning I found one, it was called Whiplash. One of those totally random movies, I never even heard of it, and almost passed by it. But I’m glad I watched it. I didn’t really get a lot out of it, it was just a good story. Yesterday I watched the 6 Triple Eight movie, now THAT was a fucking good movie. I like Tyler Perry movies for the most part, sometimes they’re a bit dramatic with the love stories, and when I say too dramatic, that’s just for me, but his movies are solid and well written. Anyways, the one I watched was really powerful and a tremendous story. It was about the African American women in the Army core during WWII and they were given a mission that they were expected to fail, but in the face of racism and oppressive conditions, they rose above and kicked ass. It was really inspiring.
But then that made me sad, because right now in this country the government is trying to erase people. Among other terrible things, they are removing books and memorabilia from history museums and libraries, calling it DEI materials. What the absolute fuck!? I had been hearing about this happening and it made me sad but it didn’t stand out to me, it was just another thing to shake my head at. But after watching that movie yesterday, I was hit with the real reality—for the government to wipe this stuff out, is to disgrace these people’s memory, heroism and place in history. That bastard over the military had books on the holocaust removed, I mean what the absolute fuck!?!?!?!?!?! I am so angry with everything that is going on. I feel so powerless, and it’s starting to seem like many other people are just as upset, saddened and horrified. There was a national day of protest yesterday—I didn’t attend, not because I don’t care, but that takes energy and yesterday I was just trying to recharge.
On Friday I had to come clean to a couple people who I’ve recently started a new business with. I said it was probably in the best interest of the business for me to step out, that with my mental health and deteriorating finances, I’m not reliable, so much so that I don’t even feel I can count on myself most days. They were so kind, they said we are a team and for me to take the time I need. Wow, I didn’t expect that. It was a zoom call and I had my camera off the whole time because I was crying for most of the meeting. I told them I was appreciative of the support and wasn’t used to leaning on people, which is true.
So after watching that movie yesterday afternoon, I had a thought. I have really been contemplating my position on this DEI ban. This ban is against everything I care about—I went to school for social work, I care about people, we all bleed red, no ones life or group of people should be minimized or erased, we are all equal. Just because people want to live their lives in a different way, they are being punished and persecuted. The laws and things they are enacting is paving the way for hate to rise up, it’s making hate and judgement and stereotypes ok. THIS IS NOT OK!!!! Given my business has been struggling, due to my challenges, I am on the verge of closing my business, IF I can manage to get a hired in a full time job. But right now, the job market is flooded with the laid off people in the country, so I don’t have a lot of hope—actually, on every front, things are hopeless. So despite all that, in the side of my head where I’m willing to try to keep my business alive, I’ve wondered, do I make a statement about DEI support on my website, my linkedin and risk being blacklisted for contracts or people/other businesses distancing themselves from me? But after watching the movie yesterday about the 6 Triple Eight, I was like, WTF Lola, how can this even be a question. And I realized, I cannot call myself an ally to marginalized groups if I’m hiding in fear, afraid to show my support. I’m kind of disappointed in myself I didn’t decide to be supportive sooner, but now I have and after I’m done writing here, I’m going to draft a DEI statement and post it to my website, under my about section, near my values, AND I’m going to make it a part of my linkedin profile and business page. Because FUCK the people trying to oppress people they don’t agree with, fuck the weaponization of government. I’m one person, and I have very little power to do anything, but that is something that’s in my control and I’m going to do it. Because FUCK letting those bastards win. They can bully the big corporations, and even the smaller ones, but I’ve got nothing to lose. My business is in the shitter, I’m in the financial shitter, life is shit right now. I’m hanging on so I can provide for my pets, that’s it.
I hesitate to say I feel better now that I’ve journaled, but I guess I do. I don’t feel a necessary release, but it did help me remember that I do still have a little fire left in me, and that’s where I want to use it today. Because if you don’t stand up for what’s right, then you’re complicit, right? But I also realize not everyone can afford to blacklist themselves or their business, and that’s ok, because you gotta survive, you have to make income, but for me, I say fuck it, things can always get worse, but for now, I’m pretty close to rock bottom so I might as well voice my opinion. I admire people who don’t have to think about things like this, the ones that just know immediately this is wrong and I’m going to make a statement. My mind is so fucked and still trying to overcome the people pleasing, that I hesitate to take action sometimes—sometimes it’s easier and safer to just stick your head in the sand and wait for someone else to take action. But I’m over that today. Today ‘they’ don’t win, today I stand up for what I believe in, even if it doesn’t really affect anything.
Stay true to yourself people, even if it takes you a few days or weeks to figure out what that looks like when faced with a situation like this. ❤️ Hugs to you all out there 😎👊🌟❤️
*I’m sorry if some of my sentences are kind of jumbled and aren’t totally succinct or on point, I think I’ve said this before, but I feel I’ve lost some of my vocabulary and ability to articulate, even in writing. That was always a place I could get my words out, but now, my brain just slogs through thoughts and not necessarily coherently. Anyways, love to you regardless. :)
