ruminate much?
This fits today’s post, juuuuust right! Image from Pinterest
Today’s been tough, but I proudly forced myself to do things. And I still have another meeting to attend in an hour, so yeah, today has been a success on paper, but in my mind it’s been like moving through sludge. I’ve got that heavy, suffocating feeling today. I was actually really looking forward to starting my week because I rested on Saturday, did some light work yesterday, and was ready to dig in today, but instead it’s been like fuuuuuuuuuucccckk.
I read an article a week or two ago, I forgot to save it, but it talked about how women tend to have a more difficult time in letting go of anger and that if you suppress your anger, it’ll just eat you up inside. Based on what I read in the article, it was similar to people practicing forgiveness when you’ve been wronged, that it only destroys you to not forgive someone. But the article also mentioned this can be tied to people pleasing behaviors. Fuck, that’s another big thing I’ve become aware of in the last few years—something boundaries will solve, but when you’ve never literally been taught about healthy boundaries, it’s like you’re having to teach yourself from square 1 and examining behaviors that began in childhood. I say again, FUCK!
Regardless of all that other stuff, I’ve been thinking a lot about why I ruminate on certain situations and I realize it’s similar to that article about women’s mental health being negatively affected by suppressing anger that they don’t feel they can express. Shit, I can relate so much to that. If you’ve read my other posts, you know I have very strong and angry feelings toward my sister; likewise for my father—he’s a Trumper and is cheering what’s going on in this country right now, and he disowned his son because he’s gay. I sometimes feel like I’ve been a traitor by keeping a relationship with my father despite his treatment towards my brother, but I see it more as not stooping to my dad’s level of just cutting someone out of their life because they disagree with how they live it. My dad does have good in parts of his heart, but there’s so much I can’t confide in him because of his judgements, that we have very few things we can talk about (pets, food, weather). What I’ve realized in reflecting about these people and situations I ruminate on, they are situations where I AM repressing my anger. To call my dad out on his shit would be nonsensical on my part. He’s the type of person who is always right. If he lets you speak your side, he’ll shut up just so he can have his turn to talk, and of course have the last word. My sister, well she’s a master manipulator— I called her out on her shit before through a letter and I got the silent treatment for over a year. I broke the silence ONLY for my mom’s sake.
Although some may say, fuck it, call them on their shit, I feel the fallout would be greater than the suffering of living through it while biting my tongue. Because there is no winning, no validation of your feelings when you’re dealing with fucked people like the above. When you have someone who’s unempathetic and is judgmental and only agrees with something if he approves of it — and then the other person who’s a gaslighter, who you can’t trust for anything, and if you’re easily manipulated like I tend to be, well that’s just more fucked than dealing with her in general.
So (I use that words a lot, I know)….now that I’m aware of why I’m ruminating (suppressed anger), I need to find a way to digest this and shit it out and get it the fuck out of my being. I know that’s a graphic statement, but that’s what I liken it to mentally when I’m trying to process something—the ball of emotions is in your head, spinning on a hamsters wheel and wreaking havoc. But after I process it for a few days, I think of it as food, and it slowly passes through my body until I’ve accepted the situation and fully dump it 💩.
Here’s a short blog post on rumination, which is also where the cover image comes from (credit: Illustration by Isabella Acosta).
Take care people, and keep pushing forward…itty bitty tiny steps forward are still steps forward. 🤩 And if it’s a day where you take steps backwards, or just stay still, that’s ok too. One day, hour, minute at a time friend ❤️ Feel your feelings, just don’t get stuck there! 😎👊
