Yesterday was bad, but I made it

I’ll keep going if you do, ok? 😎👊 Curse every step of the way if you have to, but please keep going ❤️

Yesterday was probably one of the worst days I’ve had in I don’t even know how long, it could have possibly been one of the worst days when I’m just by myself. I was overwhelmed by things that just seemed to keep going wrong, and it was something with my taxes that broke me. The last couple weeks have been trying anyways, but yesterday was the day I almost broke. I contacted a gun shop to ask about their storage options—by email because I didn’t want them to have my phone number and I was way too upset to call them. They responded quickly and said it was $10/gun, per month, and I had to do a background check to pick them up. Well fuck that. I don’t have the money and I’m not doing a background check to get my own guns back.

While I was waiting to hear from the gun shop, I packed up my guns, I didn’t want to unload them, I just put them in their cases and put them in a bag. One thing I remember from suicide trainings (I was actually going to be a trainer, go figure), is that the best thing you can do for someone in crisis is to put time between them and the deadly weapon. So, once I heard back from the gun shop, I was a little calmer and I went and took all of my guns apart. I emptied the bullets out of the chambers, and put gun locks on them. I separated the gun locks from the guns too.

I was really proud of myself for pushing through that, because omg it was sooo hard! I have always been of the mindset if I were to take my own life, it wouldn’t be in a way where someone would be traumatized by cleaning up pieces of me (intentional car crash, gun shot, etc.). But yesterday, fuck, I was probably as close as I’ve ever been, and that’s scary, and it makes me sad, because I do want to live. But the madness of living in my fucking head is just so overwhelming and suffocating.

Today, I feel improved, I was really productive and built the homepage of a website I’ve been working on for a new project—and it turned out pretty awesome! So I’m giving myself kudos for not giving up, but god damn, this life is hard sometimes.

That’s all I have for today. I didn’t plan on writing, but did want to get that down in writing to remind myself of what I overcame, and perhaps maybe, I don’t even know if people are reading this mind dump, but if they are, maybe someone might find hope? I don’t know, I don’t sell hope, it can be exhausting to stay hopeful, but hope is worth engaging in when you can muster it.

Keep going friends, the world does need you, you do matter, and you do have worth (I’m trying to convince myself of this too 😉). Much love to you ❤️✨