tolerating the intolerant

TRUTH!!!! ❤️✨❤️

For the past week, I’ve been mentally preparing to draw a strong line in the sand per se with my dad. My father is intolerant of people and beliefs to which he cannot relate or doesn’t agree with. My dad has a son, W, from his first marriage, he shared he felt he was trapped into the marriage and pregnancy by his then wife, J. Ok whatever. Now mind you, from what I can tell, he never fought for custody or anything like that. My brother is about 12-14 years older than me, so I’ve really only ever known him from a distance. When my parents divorced, my dad threatened my mom, saying she’d never see me again if she didn’t give him full custody. My mom is not a fighter, she’s easily intimidated and therefore bowed to the threat. I don’t hold this against her because with my dad, it’s easier to submit than to try to get him to see anyone else’s point of view and once his mind is made up, there is no fighting it. But with his son, there was none of that, he just let his mother keep custody of him—given this happened at his son’s young age, I figure he was punishing his son since he felt his mother had trapped him. My brother is the ‘ideal’ child for a parent, he went to college, and ended up getting a phd in math or some shit like that, like super smart brainiac stuff, I’m happy for him and in awe of his smarts, not jealous, just like wow, way to kick ass and harness that brain power gift you were given. He’s a good guy, just a regular guy, but it turns out he’s gay.

My dad shared this with me probably close to 20 years ago, I was like oh, ok. Like whatever, I didn’t see a big deal. I myself am straight, but while growing up, from 4th grade on, I was different and was teased because of it. Even if I wasn’t teased, I was never in the ‘in’ crowd. I tried so hard, like many young people do, because who wants to be different at that age. Depending on where you live, different can be ‘cool’, or if there’s enough different people, you find belonging in those groups. I didn’t have that. In 8th grade we moved to a very small rural town, it didn’t even have stoplights that’s how small it was. If you weren’t one of the main families from there, you didn’t really fit in—that was me. I don’t say all this to be ‘woe is me’, but I say this because this taught me empathy and understanding. Knowing that you didn’t have to be ‘cool’ to have something to offer, and that many people you may ‘judge’ initially, actually turn out to be really good people. I was judged by my dad growing up—when I got teased at school, his resolution was for him to tease me to ‘toughen me up’.

By the time I found out my brother was gay, I was in my early 20s, living in a large city and just living my life. I made a good friend who was a neighbor in my apt complex, she knew where all the ‘different’ clubs were, usually gay clubs. I have always been straight, I think she was straight or bi, either way it didn’t really matter to me. I say that to point out that going to the gay clubs wasn’t about hooking up necessarily, it was about the vibe of the crowd. Everyone was just out there, doing their thing, being accepting and tolerant of each other. Of course there’s still the ‘it’ crowd in places like that, but it’s not as bad as going to a typical trendy club with the plastics, all the people who are still stuck in high school, judging people and just being petty. Those were some of the best party years of my life—I didn’t (and still don’t) care how people live their lives, how they choose to identify, etc. I’m cool with just about anybody, just don’t be an asshole, you know what I mean?

Well, eventually, my dad cut his son off, no more communication, because he couldn’t understand him being gay and didn’t want to ‘see that’. Fucking really?!?! Now my dad has always put me on a pedestal, not necessarily to my advantage because I’ve been judged plenty by him. I once told him I lived with anxiety and depression (before the bipolar diagnosis)—at the time I had dreads. His response was that he felt I was depressed because I actually wanted to be black. WOW! With a response like to that to me sharing something so personal and being so vulnerable, I scaled back on what I shared with him.

Well, now with Trump in office, I feel my dad actually idolizes him—I see so much of my dad in Trump, I’m not surprised he idolizes him. (note: yes my dad is Christian—big surprise huh?). So not to my surprise, my dad is giddy over everything that is going on in this country right now. I on the other hand am horrified and grief stricken, I’m in disbelief at the intolerance in our country that is being encouraged and celebrated, in a country with a motto/slogan of ‘land of the FREE’. Fuck, the hypocrisy is astounding.

After all these years of tolerating my fathers intolerance, I hit my breaking point last Sunday. We were talking, and despite only having the weather, pets and food to talk about, he still managed to piss me off. I’ve been affected by the cuts in the government but he doesn’t know to what extent. A few weeks back, he tried to ask me what I thought about Musk and his antics, while half chuckling. I shut that down and said I’m not talking about that. Well last weekend, my dad was talking about how he needed to get a new laptop—mind you this was before the 100%+ tariffs with China hit. I told him he may want to get a laptop before prices went up due to tarriffs—this wasn’t said in a snarky way or anything like that, it was just a suggestion because I know he’s frugal. Well he proceeded to laugh, like in the way these fox news talk shows laugh it up about the bullshit that’s going on in America. And I was just taken back, like wow. Then he proceeded to tell me that since he watches a lot more business news than I do, Nebraska is really hurting for workers of all kinds. And I was like, umm, so I’m supposed to just up and move to NE for a job??? I said, yeah, I’ll get right on that.

All these years of being my fathers daughter as an adult, I have been conflicted with staying by his side as he alienated his son, judged me and my life choices, watched him judge others, use racial slurs. I stood by him in theory because I felt that if I turned my back on him, I was no different that him. But I’m starting to realize, and just as my cover picture says, tolerance does not mean tolerating intolerance. I will say that again

*****TOLERANCE DOES NOT MEAN TOLERATING INTOLERANCE*****

Now I feel ashamed of myself for taking so long to understand and grasp this. Last year I wrote to my brother and apologized to him for having to experience the intolerance from our father, and that I was sorry he had to experience that. I know there are many people in the LGBTQ community who experience, and go through with suicide. It makes me so sad that people who are different, in a country that calls itself FREE, that people can be made to feel this hopeless and unwanted. I’m not perfect, but I’m wiling to self-reflect and look for ways to improve myself as a human being. One of my dad’s common sayings is, “I just will not understand….”. It’s one thing to be unable to understand—sometimes it’s difficult to understand what we cannot relate to, but that is so much different than saying ‘will not’. That means you aren’t even willing to try to see the other side or entertain another person’s thoughts, ideas or situation. How sad to live in such a narrow and judging world. But now that world is being celebrated and my father is basking in this. And I’m fucking done with this.

I was talking to a friend this week and she reminded me, just because you’re related to them, doesn’t mean you have to talk to them, them being family. I know other people have cut off family members over similar things, and I support that—it’s one of those situations where you applaud others for standing up for what they believe in, but for me to actually do it, it’s challenging. I grew up to be a people-pleaser, I’m just now (in my early 40s) starting to unpack this and learn how to set boundaries, stick to my boundaries that I set and not apologize or give reasons why. This is really neat to experience, it’s freeing, but there’s still lingering guilt when I tell people no, even when I’m justified. But cutting off my dad, wow, I didn’t ever think it’d come to this.

So I’ve decided to take a few weeks off from calling my dad (normally we speak weekly; I mainly have done this to appease him). But I’ve hit my breaking point, communication is going to be significantly limited going forward. Not to punish him, but because he is toxic and the fact that I know for a fact we can’t even have a conversation about this, makes me sad. He is one to ‘listen to respond’ not a ‘listen to understand’ person. I plan to tell him about the new decreased-communication plan through email, but am still deciding on what to write. It will be short without giving too many reasons for the ‘why’. I’m not in the mood to hear his unsolicited opinions, or explaining why I’m wrong and he’s right, or just any of that. I have to be careful what I say so as not to make him feel attacked, because then I’ll be accused of trying to manipulate him, but whatever. I’m just so tired of the intolerance, not just from him, but from so many other people.

I heard someone say recently, liberals love a good bumper sticker LOL. I wouldn’t say I’m a liberal, but I do love sharing my thoughts through bumper stickers. And in the last couple months, I’ve bought a few that speak to the current situation. One says, those that will have you believe absurdities will cause you to commit atrocities’, another ‘don’t commit crime, the government doesn’t like competition’, and ‘the only minority ruining this country are billionaires’. One I’d really like to put on my car, and send to my dad, is ‘stop calling your racism patriotism’. I will admit, I don’t have the balls to put that last one on my car—I’m in a rural area of state in what would be deemed Trump-country, and I don’t want to risk being physically attacked or having my car vandalized. But it’s true, this political climate is allowing all these bigots to be empowered. It’s disgusting and I’m just so upset over it. In another small act of rebellion, I put a DEI statement on my business website. Damn the consequences, I believe in people, I believe people have a right to be free to be who they are. So why is it so hard to draw this line—is it discomfort? Am I hypocrite by not drawing the line? Today, I’d say yes and yes (to myself)—no judgement to anyone in a similar situation who isn’t to the point of drawing that line yet. But I’m here now, and figuring out how to execute this. It makes me sad this will hurt my dad, but that’s not my intent, so I just need to keep reminding myself, that tolerance doesn’t mean tolerating intolerance. Enough is enough. I doubt I’ll change my dad’s mind about anything, but how can I say that I’m an ally to my brother, to anyone who is different, if I can’t even stand up to my own father and draw that line? I can’t, so this will change soon.

To everyone out there dealing with intolerant people, whether related or otherwise, my heart is with yours. Much love to all of you out there—and when I say ALL, I mean it. ❤️